Wow! It's a ... Super Wal-Mart.

Big news in Bittytown, folks. We've finally earned our very own Super Wal-Mart. It opened today. Nater and I went this morning to get a few things, then later the whole fam went back 'cause I need a haircut for an interview I have tomorrow (don't get excited, it's just a temporary position). Anyway Bittytown will now begin to buckle under the Wal-Mart Effect, a theory of mine based on sheer conjecture, some personal experience and a dash of conspiracy theory.

The Wal-Mart Effect

1. One Store to Rule them All. Wal-Mart does not create competition. It destroys it. This adds to the conglomeration of our world. Once all stores are Wal-Mart, then Wal-Mart OWNS us ALL.

2. Like a Moths to the Flame. Nothing draws the denizens of the suburban underbelly like a Super Wal-Mart on a Saturday night. The Wal-Mart gives the bored a way to stay out of trouble on the weekends. This may be the one redeeming contribution Wal-Mart makes to society.

3. How Y'all Doin'? Despite the fact that there are some darling cafes in Bittytown, there's no place better to have a pow-wow with a friend you haven't seen in a while than in front of the dairy case. In my way. 'Cause. I. Need. To. Get. Some. Milk. Excuse, me, please, yeah I just need to get in there and, Ma'am, could you MOVE? Arrrgh! Go talk in the parking lot!!!

4. These are not the droids you are looking for. Upon controlling your feeble mind with the Wal-Mart Force, you may find yourself not needing anything you can't buy at Wal-Mart. You can't remember why you ever shopped anywhere else. Move along.

5. Mmm! What's that smell? It's a mixture of rubber and plastic goods made in China. And the pungent odor of our Gross National Product going down the drain. Go ahead, indulge your need for cheap, foreign made goods! Your children don't need jobs.

When I think of more, I'll add 'em. But I'm sure I will be dispatched by a Wal-Mart SWAT team during the night for having uttered the above.

Now I gotta run because Garth Brooks is on an old Saturday Night Live rerun! How j'adore Garth Brooks!