Summer Begins for Nate

Summer Begins for Aron

Chillin'

Nate and daddy watching Thomas at Mema and Grandpa's house. Note Daddy is less than amused to be captured unshaven and un-caffeined so early in the morning.

Aron's First Graduation

Mr. Bean graduated from Preschool!

All this and brains, too? You're gonna go far, kid. I promise.

Nater was very proud of Biggie Brudder.

Delusions of grandeur

I have to share my weird dreams with you folks because frankly, they are too weird for me to keep to myself.

Last night I dreamed that I was basically in an episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Except we (the characters and I) weren't in New York, we were all here in Bittytown, solving big crimes and putting the bad guys in jail.

Sigh. I just want to be an underpaid civil servant, enjoying all the commensurate righteousness that comes therewith.

Chicas rule

My girlz are BACK, and it's time to dust off my snake skin boots! You'll recall in 2003 that the Dixie Chicks were freaking ostracized by huge numbers of Americans when they stated they were embarassed that "President" George Bush was from Texas. Hell, I'm embarassed he's from this planet. Turns out that they were the first country singers willing to say what a lot of people had already been thinking: ol' W LIED to our country, for whatever misguided reasons he had, and started a war that is the Vietnam of our generation.

Trend setters? Patriots? Both.

I maintain that people everywhere need to take note of those few people who are willing to risk their reputations, careers, whatever to say what has to be said. The Chicks were not willing to tow the line, even in the early years of the war, just to appear patriotic. So when the Dixie Chicks produce a new CD or go on tour, I show my support.

Summer (and any other interested, super cool, free-thinking people) and I WILL be seeing these ladies as soon as they in concert are anywhere near Bittytown! And yes, Summer (and Jess, and Jaime) I PROMISE to dress up.

Arrgh, I guess I'd better let everyone else in. OK, here's the Cliff's Notes version: Madonna Concert tickets: $100. Gas from Bittytown to Detroit for sell out concert: $25. Tori wearing a T-shirt and shorts after giving birth to her 9 1/2 pound son three weeks prior: priceless, because the mocking hasn't stopped for almost five years.

We had to buy tickets to Madonna's Music Tour long before the concert date, and damn if we still didn't get stuck in the nosebleeds. I was tired, had just birthed Aron and frankly, when it came time to go to the concert, I just didn't want to. I felt fat, none of my clothes fit and I was barely awake enough to brush my hair. But, I went, only I dressed myself in the roomy, 100% cotton, mommy garb of my choice.

And yes, I embarassed the hell out of Summer and the rest of our mutual friends.

However, I promise to remember the sh*t Summer gave me for failing to dress properly for a Madonna concert three weeks after she's had her future kids. But until then, I won't live it down.

Predatory lenders be damned

Nothing reminds you that you are poor more than predatory lenders coming at you every single day with offers for loans, credit cards and home equity checks. Even if you don't have two pennies in cash to rub together, let alone a job, they will give you a credit card with a $3,000 limit, virtually no questions asked.

Predatory lenders are even corporations with good reputations. The biggest predatory lender in Ohio is Chase Bank (formerly Bank One). I clerked for the Equal Justive Foundation while I was in school and learned all about how such corporations' internal machinery churn out loans to enslave the masses. After all, nothing pays as like a struggling family with a maxed out credit card toting a 25% API -- especially when motivated by the fear of losing their home.

I urge you to visit OptOutPrescreen.com and permanently remove yourself from the junk mail lists of corporations who are trying to separate you from your hard earned money, make you forever dependent upon and indebted to them, smiling all the while and convincing you they're doing you a favor.

This is akin to the National Do Not Call Registry, which prevents telemarketers from contacting you via phone.

And yes, I wrote this myself and did not copy and paste it from an email. Please consider sending the OptOut link to everyone you know.

Color me oblivious

My darling dear heart friends at CULS, Class of 2006, graduated today! Where has my head been? I didn't realize it until just now. I am so proud of you guys. Enjoy tonight, because tomorrow, it's time to start studying for the bar!

My first felony murder client

The body count is on the rise.

Problem is that I have known this individual for more than ten years. I was aware of and in fact witnessed the aftermath of one previous murder he committed about six years ago, for which he went unprosecuted. He's probably killed since then, but I have had no direct evidence. It's all circumstantial, and even now the evidence -- two dead bodies in my neighborhood -- could implicate another.

Oh, and the biggest problem: he lives with me and sleeps in my bed every night.

He's my cat, Tiger.

Now, I know that he committed the murder six years ago because I saw him do it:
he ran out the front door and pounced right on a bird. He brought it to me and as I held its warm, lifeless body in my hand, I knew I was aiding and abetting this criminal. After all, he has no opposable thumbs and couldn't operate the door latches; only I could let him out, and thus I was directly responsible for unleashing this menace on varmint society.

Well, he's at it again. Or at least I think he is. I found two dead birds in my lawn during the last two weeks. It could be the feral cats in the 'hood, but I'm inclined to think they would eat the birds instead of leaving them lay around like easter eggs for me to find while mowing or absent-mindedly doing yardwork. "What the heck, is that a ... EEEEW!"

Anyway, while I will encourage my client to cease his illegal activities, I will have to withdraw as counsel lest he use my advice to perpetrate more crimes. It's unfortunate I have to pass up what will likely be a considerable fee for defending my client against some very serious charges. But, down with the hustle and flow of my lot in life, I've passed my cards around to some of the birds, rabbits and other critters in the area in case they are interested in filing Civil Protection Orders.

This gig has some drawbacks

When I am sitting in the floor with Nate repeating "car," "truck," and other boy words, or cuddling with Aron on the couch watching Spongebob, I wonder how the heck I am going to be able to leave them all day long and go back to work. My heart just about breaks. I love them so much and I can't get enough of their soft little necks and super squeezy hugs.

That is, until I look around at this sty I call a house and think, "Man, if I'm working, I can pay somebody else to clean this place." Then I'm just fine. 'Cause when it comes to housekeeping, I'm an embarassment to civilized society. I'm all about the mommy aspects of the stay at home mommy job, but the cleaning? NO. And it's got to get done, else the black ring in the toilet may mutate and attack us all in the night.

I used to not mind cleaning, until the kids came along. Frankly, I just want to play all day, eat Pop Tarts and take naps. But, I guess since I have to work now, I can make myself look at the bright side: somebody else is going to be assigned the task of cleaning the toilet. And heaven help her. She best bring a jackhammer.

Thank you

By the way, for everyone who gave me a gift a few weeks ago ... I do intend to send you a thank you note. It's hard to find the time to sit down and write them with the kids running around all day then working 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. every night. But I'm on it.

I'm sorry, isn't it 2006?

Today I went to court for my first client. It went really well, and I got him released on his on recognizance, but with house arrest.

But on the weird note, I show up at the office to run my arguments by Allie (attorney with whom I share an office). She says, "Where are you arguing today?" I tell her. She giggles. "Not in that outfit, you're not." I was wearing a tan pants suit with black pinstripes.

She proceeds to tell me that this simple country judge I am set to argue in front of insists that all the women who appear in his courtroom are to wear skirts or dresses. If they refuse, they have to wear a collared shirt and a tie. Yes, you read that right. A TIE. Finally, if you appear without such approved garb, you are permitted to be in court with your client but you may NOT SPEAK. That's right folks. Welcome to 1952.

So I run home and change. Problem is that I haven't purchased a skirt in years, because in Columbus (a civilized town?), a pants suit turns no heads. So I have about ten of them, collecting them over the years thinking that they were actually professional. Anyway, the skirt is a few seasons old (when hemlines were a bit higher) and a bit too short (one inch above the knee cap) for my old married woman's taste.

So basically, I felt like a piece of meat for hire today. But the judge was kind (go figure, the skirt came to the mid-thigh sitting down, so you do the math) and the prosecuting attorney was very nice to me, too (word on the street is that he's just a nice guy). Anyway, I got my client out of jail so he could go home to his family, so it was worth the draft on my backside.

Just taking it on the chin for justice. That's my lot in life now, I guess.

And now, to the mall to get some skirt suits.

Chicken addicted

WHY do I love this little guy so much?

Darn you Disney. Darn you to heck.

Start dancing

I'm meeting my first client tomorrow; he's in jail, allegedly for committing a non-violent felony (sorry, I'm never going to post specifics about the cases/clients). Like how I said allegedly. When you're a defense attorney, I am told, it's all about the swing.

Welcome to the show

The reviews were mixed, but none could deny that the finale, six years in the making, was a triumph.

Our little dentist

This oughta save on the dentist bills.

Heroscape rocks!

All the boys are into our new game, Hero Scape! Note the boys didn't even take time to put their pants on before jumping in to play! Luckily, dad did.

The booty is rollin' in

All for me?

I can't remember the last time when I had a day (or few days) all for me. It's been at least since I was only me, not the mommy me. My friends and family are helping me to commemorate this triumph with such lovely things. The first barrage includes flowers from Summer and the Taggart family, a gorgeous clock with "My Name, Esq." engraved on the front, from the Myers family, and from my own spouse, a JBL Onstage for my iPod. Note its cuteness -- perfectly sized for my desk! The little plant in the purple pot is my gift to me. I like pretty little plants in pretty little pots.

Each of you will receive a proper thank you soon (except for Kurt; his thank you is a clean house and two beautiful children), but I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Creepy, annoying and mean

I've been hatin' on this guy for years. He's a total jerk and personifies everything I don't want to be.

Sticker shock

What the hizzy? The bar wants my money ... al-damn-ready! Next Monday when I am sworn in they already want $300. Since I am not employed for the moment, I can get the New Lawyer Training Course ($200) for free. I'm not even going to mention the other start up costs, because frankly, they are obscene. Dude, I am not rich yet, and with this kind of bilking, we never will be! Bar association fees, malpractice insurance!

OK, I'll quit bitching now. I swear, I am capable of being satisfied. But I can't help but be mad about this. It's in my nature to be a cheap penny pincher and this profession is trying to break me of that. Kicking and screaming, I note.

Lesson from the Karma department: sometimes you do get what you want. And boy, do you ever get it!

I'm no expert, by any stretch, but here's my take

Several of my friends are still in law school and are taking the bar this summer. One of them emailed me for "my secrets," so here they are. But they are not secrets. It's just what worked for me.

1. I would skip the bar review classes. They are essentially a waste of time -- and BORING. Well, the were for me (and a number of my attorney friends have told me they too skipped the review courses). Read the outlines in the books, make your own 20 page outline, then get it down to an attack outline. Just like in school. Don't worry, all the stuff we learned in school is on the bar in the same way, so it truly is a review. Very little new stuff. I can understand if you want to attend the classes, since some people learn something better if they read it, then hear it, then write it down. Depends on how you study/learn. I never attended ONE review class.

2. DO NOT GET BEHIND. Stick to the schedule they give you. You do outlines the first month, and nothing but study the second month. But do at least some MBEs every day, even the first month.

3. You MUST take the PMBR course. Literally: if you haven't figured out how to bullshit your way through an essay at this point, you won't pass the bar. The KILLER is the MBE part. You HAVE to do 1,000 to 3,000 multiple choice questions to be properly prepared. Fifty to 100 every day. I MEAN it. I didn't do it the first time and my MBE score stunk. This time, I did about 1,500 or more and rocked the MBE. And yes, it HAS to be the PMBR ones. They are harder and more like the real MBEs.

4. Know how to do the "creative writing" portion -- the, aww heck, what is that called? I totally forgot. It's the part where you write a pretend memo or letter or something. That's a bitch because you think you have enough time to write it, but it's hard to finish it. Don't sweat it, though. And don't practice more than, say, one.

5. Get used to the pacing of writing the essays. It goes blindingly fast.

6. Figure out how you want your days to go -- when you get up, eat, walk, sleep, study. Stick to that schedule.

7. Don't suppose they are letting you guys take the exams on laptop this time? If not, that sucks, because that ROCKED. If you can, take it on laptop.

8. Essay Advantage course = awesome. Take that too.

9. And remember this: I knew a CULS 2003 grad who couldn't afford a bar review course; he was a student from Africa. He studied his outlines from school, and some other kids gave him some stuff to study and he passed the first time. It is about what you know, but it's MORE about how hard you work. And the MBEs!!!

10. Take Sundays off. You are not a machine!

11. I LOVED the PMBR review CDs. I had one for every subject, listened to the lecture, wrote the outline and did the MBEs. I just thought the were great. Had them on my iPod, which made me resent the heck out of it for a couple of months.

12. I consumed almost NO sugar for two months. I didn't want my blood sugar peaking and dipping throughout the process -- I wanted to stay focused all day long. Caffeine, yes. Processed sugars, no. Even the days of the bar I wasn't eating sugar. It's amazing how that just lifted the haze away. I didn't get tired, I could study for hours.

13. When you sit down to write the essays, you may read it and go, WTF? They LOVE to write them that way. The challenge is to write something convincing and coherent despite not knowing a damn thing. Be prepared to bullshit your way through at least 3 to 5 of them.

14. Practice writing exams. Meaning, writing. It's been a long time since most of us have written that much with our hand and a pen. Don't want to be a slob, trust me.

15. When you are doing the practice MBEs while you study, read all the explanatory answers, even the ones you get right. But when you get one wrong, ADD IT TO YOUR OUTLINE. It takes time, but it is necessary. And it works.

16. DO NOT freak out. That's what they want.